Remodeling Project Turns Into
One Of Life’s Defining Moments
If it had been left up to cave men, there would be no home remodeling shows on television. Hardware stores would still be called, well Hardware stores, and not “Home Decorating” or “Home Remodeling Centers”.
No self-respecting Neolithic male, dragging the hindquarters of a mastodon back to his rock shelter for dinner, ever uttered the words, “Honey, don’t you think it’s time we remodeled the inside of our cave?” No, those words surely sprang from a member of the fairer sex.
And from that point onward, civilization blossomed and male dominance of our planet began its steady, but inevitable decline.
Where once Bass fishing and golf shows dominated the weekend airways, now people are tuned in to Trading Spaces, This Old House, Design On A Dime, While You Were Out, Small Spaces – Big Design, Designers Challenge, Clean Sweep, Weekend Warriors, Room By Room...the mind boggles.
At first it was all good fun. Like most men, I could sit and watch other people work for hours. Better “he” than me.
Living in a house built around the time of the Civil War, it wasn’t like we hadn’t done our share of home repair, remodeling projects and even a major addition. But those experiences pale beside the life-altering experience of remodeling a kitchen.
It began innocently enough. My wife Sue suggested a small do-it-yourself extension of a counter top would give us all a lot more workspace in the kitchen. What I have since learned is that no new cabinetry can exist in the same room as old cabinetry. It is an unwritten law of physics. This, in turn, leads to a never-ending cascade of consequences somewhat akin to knocking over the first domino.
Ordering new cabinets for the entire kitchen necessitates a plan. Plans allow people to move objects through space and time while ignoring the physical constraints of the actual labor involved. Of course, what better time to replace an old floor than when you are going to have the kitchen torn up anyway?
I had to admit the floor could use some attention. Fortunately they still make tongue and groove solid wood flooring. They consider it a product for commercial construction, but at least they still make it.
The old portion of the stone basement didn’t go under the kitchen. Did I mention the house is 150 years old? So the tongue and groove flooring sat right on the floor joists. The joists were hung in the thick stone walls of the foundation, but to shore them up laterally, two additional beams sat on piles of brick and stone.
These two beams were oddly shaped, notched and had holes drilled through them. They obviously had been reused from something else. One of the workmen had the best guess among us. He thought they were part of the suspension system of an old wagon. After all, recycling is not a new invention. We replaced this 19th Century innovation with three steel beams. People heavier than I can now jump to their hearts content in our kitchen.
Of course, new floors have a way of making old walls look shabby. It all becomes a matter of perfect logic. There is no since in painting a ceiling and walls after a new floor and new cabinets are in.
As anyone who has done any remodeling in the last ten years call tell you, painting isn’t just painting any more. Everything has to have a “faux” finish. We (and I use that term loosely) chose a tissue paper affect. It’s not much work if you want to cover say a small decorative box. Three hundred square feet of wall is a different story.
As long as walls are being finished, the original iron sink in the kitchen had to be reglazed. I was surprised to discover cast iron sinks are the heaviest man made objects. I also discovered that faucets are literally worth their weight in gold. Forget about oil producing countries, we need to get out of Iraq and invade a country that makes kitchen faucets.
When it is done, and I still have hope that day will come, it will be a wonderful kitchen. I will have to admit that all the inconvenience was worth it and thank Sue for serving as a General Contractor and working so hard to make our house a wonderful inviting home.
But for now, staring at the bare walls, exposed pipes, wires going everywhere, layers of dust, exposed floor joists and the sound of power tools drowning out all speech, I notice our dog Sophie just staring at the open hole. She looks at me and shakes her head. I know she’s thinking, “You guys do this and I get in trouble just for digging in the yard.”
