It seems that this time of year is all about award shows. I think I’ve dozed through the Golden Globes, the SAG awards and the People’s Choice awards. (Mrs. Spencer is a big fan of the award shows). Well, the granddaddy of them all will be on soon, and hopefully, after the Oscars, award show season will slow down a bit and I can return to the mindless entertainment of reality shows.
That sets me to thinking. We should have an awards show here in St. Charles County. We can hold the event at the St. Charles Convention Center and televise it on any of the cable access networks dedicated to government/public service programming. I’d recommend a more “Golden Globes” like atmosphere. Kind of like a dinner party with folks spread out around the room. It should definitely be open bar, and elected officials can be seated by city, which should lead to some fairly sparky conversation. We probably should have someone other than Mayor York do the seating chart, since she has a tendency to seat everyone else in the back of the room (as we saw at last year’s All-Mayor’s Charity Ball).
So, dear readers, I propose the First Annual St. Charles County Chuckie Awards. Let’s get down to business.
Best Actress in a Political Drama - The nominees are Representative Cynthia Davis for maintaining her crown as “Queen of the Nutballs” advancing ridiculous legislation about intelligent design and midwives, all the while committing serious violations of campaign finance laws; St. Charles Councilwoman Dottie Greer who has held her head high while Mayor York and her supporters pathetically attempt to remove her from office; O’Fallon Mayor Donna Morrow for deftly blaming all of her mistakes on the past administration and/or imaginary monsters, and her trademark “investigations”; St. Charles Mayor Patti York for her unabashed greed for money and power, as well as her efforts to remove elected officials who happen to disagree with her. The Chuckie goes to Mayor Patti York for her arrogance and ability to “recruit” wealthy men to finance her evil plots.
Best Actor in a Political Drama – The nominees are St. Peters Mayor Shawn Brown whose efforts to “govern” are pure slapstick comedy; O’Fallon Alderman Randy Hudson who got caught with a tape recorder and proudly announced that he was just “protecting himself”; County Executive Joe Ortwerth who has joined with the Great White Duck Hunters to further his crusade against the City of St. Peters; St. Charles Councilman Rory Riddler who is attempting to advance the interests of the taxpayers in the face of blatantly unethical conduct on the part of Mayor York and her supporters. The Chuckie goes to Alderman Randy Hudson for inspiring St. Charles County’s latest dance craze, the Aldermanic “pat down.”
Worst Dressed – The nominees are Adolphus Busch IV for wearing the same “prep-school” uniform with a cloth belt to most meetings; Linda Meyer for her circa 1980’s, low budget, Linda Evans, Dynasty-era hairstyle and bad sweatshirts; Brandy Pedersen for her roadkill-like fake hairpieces, Tammy Faye Baker make-up and excessive sequins; Sandy Waters for her excessive drugstore make-up, old-lady reading glasses, and ugly sweatshirts. And the Chuckie goes to Linda Meyer for paying no attention to her appearance before each “performance” in front of the City Council.
Worst Performance by a “Alleged” Republican – The nominees are County Councilman Joe Brazil for his obsession with stopping all growth at the expense of businesses throughout the County; Senator Chuck Gross for trying to take advantage of his clout as budget chair and “holding up” the funding for the new judge’s bench in St. Charles County until the Governor’s Office gave him a commitment to appoint Rick Zerr, the “ethically challenged” former judge who is related to Gross and needs one year of service to pad his pension and then insisting that no one be appointed when his plan was uncovered; Brandy Pedersen for attempting to recall a Republican elected official, encouraging spoiler candidates in special elections to ensure victory for the Democrats and general acts of craziness that seem to damage the Republican Party; and Dee and Roland Wetzel who have embroiled themselves in the St. Charles City Recalls, the 370 TIF Lawsuit against St. Peters and other efforts that are clearly “unrepublican.” The Chuckie goes to Brandy Pedersen (aka the Democrats’ best friend in St. Charles County).
Cutest Couple Award – The nominees are Adolphus Busch and Charlie Hager for their carefully choreographed “spoiled little rich boy” speeches to “save the ducks” and tandem “not-so-veiled” threats against elected officials; Ken Kielty and Tom Hughes for their “stop at nothing” effort to buy a St. Charles City Council for Mayor Patti York; Carl Maus and Ray Stone for their “Brokeback Mountain” like bond and their unabashed arrogance as they attempt to take over the entire County and stop all growth; Mayor Patti York and Glennon Jamboretz for their incredibly creative methods of fleecing the taxpayers and lining their own pockets with taxpayer funds. The Chuckie goes to Carl Maus and Ray Stone because they are just so cute together.
Best Supporting Actor (otherwise known as the ones who would kill to be Mayor) – The nominees are St. Charles Councilman Bob Hoepfner who has switched teams so many times he’s forgotten what team he’s on and his pathetic attempts to accomplish anything he can herald during next year’s Mayoral election; St. Peters Alderman Jerry Hollingsworth for his “rah-rah” attempts to make everyone get along and his transparent efforts to generate press on “feel-good” issues like red-light cameras and reducing elected official salaries; St. Peters Alderman Len Pagano who has sold himself to Great Rivers for an amount TBD and perfected his “doddering old fool” act in an attempt to disavow any vote that seems unpopular; and O’Fallon Alderman Lynn Schipper who clearly thinks he is the Mayor of O’Fallon and thinks its okay to micromanage City staff. The Chuckie goes to Alderman Len Pagano for his pathetic portrayal of a “regular joe” who is in touch with the people.
Well, I hope you found the St. Charles County Chuckies as fun as I did. With the elections coming up this April and next April, I look forward to next year’s awards.
I hope you tune into the Oscars next month. After all, I just can’t get enough of that red carpet action.
